nightcookie

So like it's been jus a little tinnie while since I um posted anything. I've been shooting up and getting cracked and methed out and sucking dick for more crack money, heh, jus kiddin. Well My retarded ass boy friend is in jail AGAIN, which sucks ass. I'm really sad and lonely so I thought I would post a lil sumthing. in 32 days I'll be 21 and you bet I wil be geting trashed. By the way my boyfriend had 7 warrants, ouch huh...He's in there for at least 3 months. He was in the paper for most wanted! That's kinda cool, but I'm still sad. Guess it's one of those stupid bitter sweet moments. By the way I took a college class for CNA, had a seizure, had to give a shit ton of blood work and sleep, so they let me in the next summester. I've graduated and am an official Certified Nurses Aid! I'm gonna work at sonic for a month, then I'm goin out in the world to make some of that stuff called money *whatever that is?*.  Well my attention span is going away so I'm gona get. You guyz have FUN. I'll be masturbating while eating peanut butter in the mean time, um just kiddin, or am I?

 Heh, it's me bitches! Ya never thought you would here from me again huh? Well it's me and I am back for now. No I wasn't just sent back from a mental institution, shoulda been but not. I'm just chillin in my shity little town. Well I'm on a diversion now for smokin da reefer, but otherwise I'm alive! My boyfriend was driving my car, I left my weed and pipe in my car, cops found it, and I had a big fat ticket shoved in my face with a court date and all! My car is not a 1989 Plymouth Reliant anymore! I've a a 2002 Z24 Chevy Cavalier! Now I know what your thinkin, "ugh, a cavalier, now that's cool!" with sarcasum, but mine is really cool! It's got a 2.4 liter engine instead of a 2.2 like the others. It's got the kick ass Z24 body style, it's black, and best of all it's got a sunroof! So far I've backed up into a couple other cars twice, first time I got away with it, but the second time I hit another 2002 cavalier and got the cops called on me, which sucked! My dog jumped on my car, scratched it, and I had a little mishap with a barbwhire fence, but it's bairly noticable, then there's a scratch that just came to my door from nowhere and decided to live there. I had a crack in the dash when I got it, but I slamed the door when I was pissed off one day and that added another. Both doors have cracks in them where the window meets the bottom part of the door, not that noticable! An oxygen censor went out, my tires went bald as fuck, my passenger window doesn't work, my cd player in the car and the 10 disc one in my trunk only work on very little ocassions and my brakes went out, all in a year, but all in all it's a good car...Don't buy a cavalier, save yourself while you still have a chance! It's still a sweet lookin car though!
 Ritalin makes me sick now, so I go for coke now, but alcohol is my friend as well. I just got my diversion, so I think I'm gona be a little less fucked up on drugs for a year, might even just stick to drinkin, which really fuckin sucks, because I smoked pot every night for around a year. A few brain cells are gone, but it's all good. I wana smoke a huge blunt, a couple bowls, and maybe a few joints right about now! The guy I was talkin about in my previous post is now my boyfriend for 8 months now, who woulda know? I love him, he's the best thing ever to me. I hope he never leaves me, I'd go crazier than I already am! He's graduating from high school now, which is cool, because he's gona get a job, and we can move into an apartment, YAY! He doesn't have a car though, so that's a big problem! I hope we can find one for him or we'll never move out! I have a myspace, so if you get bored, it's a little more updated that this here journal, here's the link http://www.myspace.com/nightcookie, it's pretty cool! Well I gota go now, so see ya later I hope... 

Well it's been at least two months since I've updated this journal, which is for me, so I guess I'll get some shit out, because I can. After I left off, I needed some drugs, oh yeah! Well I remembered someone who used to hook me up when I was around 16 yrs old. We had a deal, as long as I let him drive my car, he's like 1 to 2 yrs younger than me, then he would would agree to fork over the pills. His doctor, a dumb doctor at that, would give him Ritalin, because he had adhd, which is just another illness doctors overdiagnose to several people who don't even have this so-called adhd, but whatever keeps the pills comin. He would never take them and would end up spitting them out, so hell, no use wasting them, he got what he wanted, I got what I wanted. Ritalin is the most wonderful thing ever invented. I suppose it does help a few people with their emotional problems, but to me it's just kiddy cocaine, I even prefer it over coke any day. I hadn't talked to him forever, so I decided that I would just show up one day on his door step, with a friend of course, just in case I need back up. He was never there, so I persisted on coming over and hoping he would show up. His sister was the only one, besides their parents, that was there to talk to. She's dating this dude around 23 yrs, she's 18, I guess that's not a big difference, but they always fight. One day I even helped her move out from his place, but at the time he was unemployed and living with her parents. One day I show up and she is supposively pregnant, which wasn't true, she's over there drinking some whine and I am stuned by how stupid she is to be drinking at this time, you know, while she is pregnant. Her and her boyfriend respond, giving me some bullshit about whine being made from grapes, it doesn't count. Whatever, stupid people, why doesn't she just drink grape juice then? After what seemed like forever, her brother finally showed up, he had been at some kind of boys home for I think 6 months, I guess for skipping school and alot of other shit. They had him on Adderall, which is just as great as Ritalin, I'm not picky, which he was so sweet to give me a couple, nevermind the fact that I took a few more when he wasn't looking. I parked at some school with my friend, she was with me at the time, next to these minature ponies, stuck the pills in my pill crusher, then scraped out, and cut the wonderful white powder into lines. We snorted it together and I felt 100% better. I love those pills. I kept coming back to his house with her, soon enough it was just me coming to his house, and I would beg for pills. I guess he enjoyed my sheer presence and just kept giving them to me. He lives in the country so he tends to get a little lonely. Pretty soon I had him snorting them with me, which he seemed to like alot better than taking them orally. I'd spend the night with him and we'd stay up untill dawn just snorting pills, doing lots of stupid shit and play fighting, I'd be the first to fall asleep though. We slept in the same bed and didn't even touch eachother, which is astounding to me. He's my buddy now, we're both lonely, he has nothing better to do, nor do I, so we just hang out. He hasn't had any pills for maybe a month now and I've been fiening for so long. It's driving me crazy. Meanwhile I've done pot, which makes me dumb and confused, speed, which now just makes me sick, and coke, which is kinda fun, because the numbing part, but makes me kinda bitchy, shaky, sick or all of the above. I did coke tonight, which didn't agree with me too well, but I'll use the rest tomorrow, because it's my only hope right now. That's only part of what's going on, just the drug part, it's probably the biggest piece of my life right now though. I need to get to sleep though, so nighty night.

I'm getting so fed up *literally* with myself! Why can't I stop eating? Where is my fucking willpower? I'm nothing. No, I was wrong, I am something, I'm a fucking loser! I'm so depressed, so very depressed. It's just in time that I will take my razor blade and slash another clean cut into my flesh, watching my blood drip in a satisfied, yet numb stare. The pain is so bad. I was doing so well, I don't know what happened. Maybe, just maybe, I am cracking up. I told my boss that I couldn't handle working full time, I told him that it would make me "ill healthed". He didn't listen, not untill it is too late, and here I am, cracking up, just what I was trying to prevent by simply asking for 1 more day off out of the week. This sucks. Why can't people just listen to me. Oh yeah, I look fine, I talk fine, I'm not too unintelligent, pretty close to the norm of intelligence I guess? I do have my flaws that usually just are overlooked as irresponsibilty, I'm sure some of it could be prevented if I took better care of myself though. I can't sleep at night, which makes me drowsy and dull in the day, I space out, not hearing anything around me, I forget ALOT!, I get week if I don't sleep and eat enough or I'm eating too mcuh, and I don't sleep and eat enough or eat too much if I am stressed, stress leads to depression, then here I am with all these fucked up things going on, but nobody sees that it's worse than what they can observe.
Enough about misery for now. I went to work, I didn't want to go at all, was freaking out, but it wasn't so bad once I'd been there for awhile, like in the middle of my shift. I joked around with my work buddies, we're a bunch of weirdos, talking about things you don't wana hear, especially in a family oreinted restaraunt. After work I was alone, as usual. Came home and saw my dad playing on the computer, as usual, except he was at home all day due to it being his day off. My dad isn't the best of company, not one to express yourself to anyways, so I decided to take a drive. Drove all over town, smoking like a chimney, went to the store, explored, drove around some more. I decided to go toward Bird bridge, since it's kinda exciting in an odd way. What makes Bird bridge so exciting, is that there was a murder there. Supposively, a preacher was cheating on his wife with the church secretary and cut the breaks on his wife's car. While going to work, his wife drove near the sharp turn that leads right to the bridge. She pressed the brake on the car, nothing happened, and without brakes, you're in deep shit. Inside her car, she tumbled into the darkness of the river, and found dead of course. That's all I really know about it, except the preacher is in jail now and then the bitch he was cheating with is in jail also, for shooting her husband. Now there is a coulple little cement slabs. I don't know if you could quite call them study though...In the daytime you can stumble down the inbankment where there's grafettie underneath the bridge supporting satanic rituals, "666" is one of them, then the pentagram, satans' face and so much more. I've heard that animal sacrafices were performed there, which seems very well possible. It's a wonder why I get bad vibes there, which I'm so drawn too. I didn't make it out to the bridge, because all the rain we've had has flooded the path. I also ended up driving on this old, old highway, modle t's used to drive on. It's rather interesting thinking of all the history there is on that narrow, cracked cement road. I then went to taco bell and pigged out. The end, I gotta sleep now.

The song: Breathe *2 AM*, Artist: Anna Nalick
2Am and I'm still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

The Pain is Killing Me                                   

How about a crash,                                        

Watch my fat head smash,                            

Maybe an overdose,                                       

Slip away as I'm comotose,                            

Suffication will do,                                          

See my face turn blue,                                    

What about a train,                                         

There's my guts and brain,                             

I'll make a noose,

And have my head hang loose,

I'll cut my wrist if you insist,

Something wants me to die,

I don't know why,

But know one's to blame,

For this awful pain.

 

 

FUCKING DAMNIT, THIS IS ALL I GOT UP RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THE COMPUTER KEEPS SCREWING ME OVER. ALL THAT WRITING JUST DISAPPEARED, GREAT.

Song is: Heartshaped Box, By: Nirvana

 

 

 

You May Be a Bit Dependent ...

You're more than a little preoccupied with being abandoned. You need a lot of support in your life, at all times. It's difficult for you to survive on your own... And you don't reallly think you ever could.

You Are 60% Normal (Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

I'll start with the good. I got my hair dyed *again* a few days ago. It's kind of a blondish-white color, then the underneath part of my hair is black. It looks pretty cool. At least something of mine looks bearable. It makes me look pale a little bit, but I am pale, so I guess that's ok. It offsets my black XXL shirts and my saggy jeans, which I have to wear when I'm 5'6", 102 lbs, so I can cover all my fucking flab. I'm always going to be a walking piece of flab, so that means it's always gonna be XXL I suppose. I've been waking up in the morning, that's a pluss, right? Only because I've been taking my meds at night. My antidepressents are kind of a stimulant, by the time they kick in, it's morning, so yay. It's morning right now and that sucks, I don't wana sleep. Sleep is such a waste of time. Oh, yeah, and I wrote some poems. Yep, that's the good part, now for the usual, the bad. Lately I've been soooo... depressed lately, stressed, even hysterical. I just have to pull through it though. I need to stop ditching my job to go off to a looney bin or I won't have a job. It's so hard, so fucking HARD! Maybe I should stick my ass back into therapy. I'm so cracking up. I have the attention span of a rock. Not to mention I locked my keys in my car AGAIN!! It happens on a monthly, sometimes biweekly basis now, along with forgetting my work uniform, makeup, heh, and my work. Is there any way to stop using I's? I hate using I too much now! Oh, and me shall not forget *Ha, there was no I in that sentence* that the little girl I used to babysit, remember her, well she totally just shoved shit into my face. She's the one that got sexually abused by her mother, then got put back with her mother, because the lovely Kansas government not giving a fucking shit about anything/anyone exept their fucking money. Now that she is 8 years old, I found out how to contact her after she was shipped off to her mother *sexual abuser*, I loved her, gave her someone to talk to, bought her stuff, took her places. I've spent a total of three years of my pathetic life on that brat! She's moving this Friday, to Tennessee, hell, maybe even Colorado, Fucking Africa, Asia, Europe, Spain for all I fucking know, since she never makes up her little mind of hers'. Her mother is trying to mislead everyone by making her little pet lie about everything. Why shouldn't the kid lie? Telling the truth only ended up in tragedy, thank you judge, SRS, and all those assholes who committed that horrible act of betrayl. Well, when I called to ask if we could hang out, she said she's moving, she's busy this week and will never see me again. Oh, how nice *my heart's just been yanked out of my chest, while dirt is being kicked in my face*. I say "FINE, DON'T HANG OUT WITH ME THEN". She's like alright, bye. That hurt, 3 years of hope flushed down the drain in 1 minute flat, woo hoo.. And this crappy day ended with me stretch out on the truck of my car, crying because I locked my keys in my car in front of her aunts' house. Her aunt took me out for ice cream with her grandson, which made me feel better. After she dropped me off at home I ended up binging, so everything just plain sucked today. I'm going to put up some of my crappy poems, because I can, on my next entry, since this isa pretty long entry. By the way, life sucks.*hugs*

Music is outshined: by soundgarden

You Are 14 Years Old

14 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Your Deadly Sins

Wrath: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Greed: 20%

Envy: 0%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 23%

You will die in prison, in a puddle of your own blood.

Your Birthdate: September 18

Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity. There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself. You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator. You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous; a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas. Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed. There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others. Oddly enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give.

Holy Crap, That One Is True, The B-Day one

Wow, now someone obviously wasn't too happy about my journal, but oh well, it really doesn't matter much to me. I've started feeling better, not so depressed anyways. I've been working, working aaalloott. Did I mention I wrote a note to my manager explaining why I needed to work only four days a week? Well, I don't remember if I posted about that? Well he hasn't been letting me have my three days off. The good thing is that he is GOING to work on it the week after next. Luckily I've been able to slip out of a day of work each week. Last week I was "sick", aka too depressed and suicidal to go to work. I couldn't tell them that, because being depressed doesn't seem like an legitiment reason to stay home, but it sure didn't feel like I was capable of doing much of anything that day. I was so hurt, tired, week, just depressed horribly. It seemed like a legitiment reason to me. This week someone really needed the hours, so I gladly gave her that day to work. I wonder if I can get lucky enough to get out of a day next week...Today at work I was carrying ice *heavy ice* to the drive through drink station, I ended up hitting my hand on the corner of the frie station. It HURT so BAD. I looked at it, it way bleeding a little bit, but the freaky thing was that there way a big, raised, bruised bump where it hit my vein. It was so cool looking. It's still a little blue and swollen, but it doesn't hurt so much. It's fun to poke at though, he he. Speaking of ouchies, I caught a brown recluse spider under a cup while it was crawling across the floor. If you don't know about the brown recluse, they are reallllyyy poisoness. Their venom destroys all the flesh at the bite site, possibly even bone marrow, then it eventually spreads, destroying more flesh. Sometimes this can lead to amputation, many years of recuranceses, extreme scaring and even death. I never seen one before, so I stared through the glass examining him. Eventually I really didn't want a deadly spider, trapped under a glass, right in the middle of the front room. My cats wanted to play with it and eat it, but I don't think I'd want them to play with a poisoness spider. I told my dad to kill it or let it go, far away from here. I never thought my dad would let the spider go, but he did? We let him go a few yards away from our apartment by a fence. I didn't wana see the innocent spider get smashed, but I didn't want to be an amputee, so it really didn't matter to me what my dad did with the spider. I'm about to crash while I'm writing, soI gotta go to sleep, I'll be back later...*hugs*

I want to die, I don't know if I actually wana die, but it feels like I am dieing anyways, for better or for worse. I HURT SO BAD!! I don't know what to do. No body here is gonna help me. No one is going to save me from myself, especially not myself. I doubt that will ever happen. I feel so empty, on fire, like I'm having my insides crushed by a fucking compacter, I'm surrounded in pitch black, being held down by an omnipotent source. I wish I was feeling at least content, even sad, but I am depressed. What to do? I'm alone. I guess I should take a shower now that most the day is over, sigh. I don't wana move, I'm depressed. To me, there is a difference between being sad and being depressed. Sure, being sad sucks, it feels pretty damn bad, especially if it doesn't quickly leave, but being depressed is being hit full force with every horrible feeling you could ever imagine. When your sad you can fuction normally, normally, yet miserably. When your depressed you have to use whatever energy is left in your body just to get your fucking ass out of bed. Now I guess I shall atempt to throw my ass in the shower, so I can get outside in the sunlight, get a little vitamin D. Ugh, well, that might have helped if there was some sunlight out there, it's cloudy anyways, so fuck that. I guess I can pretend there is sunlight and frolic around in my imaginated sunlight, bleh. Life sucks....................

P.S. I parked my car by these cute little ponies in a not so human populated area and snorted some Ritalin, didn't make me feel any better. Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm fat.

Errr...well, I enjoyed my vacation from everything. I love vacations...I had a whole week to do whatever I wanted. I went to Worlds of Fun, road roller coasters, some killer water rides, and some spinny rides which really didn't aggree with me too well, I think my brain was still rolling in my skull the rest of the day. I road horsies, almost go killed riding horsies. A couple days ago the horse I was riding, it was my friends' horse, anyways it reared up when I just got on, I fell off *ker plunk*, then the horse fell backwords and I was like scooting on my butt as fast as I could, because, well, it just wasn't a good day to get my organs smashed. Luckily the horse just landed on my leg. I don't think the horse put it's full weight on my leg though, because 1000 lbs of horse probably would've hurt my leg a lil bit more. My friend was yelling at me to pull my leg out from under the horse, umm, yeah, like that's gonna happen, lets see, 1000 lb horse + 10 lb? leg= leg isn't gonna move. Well, I got more to say, but I gotta get ready for work. Maybe I'll get on later? I dunno, bye bye for now...

God, everbody hates me, I don't know why, but they do... I must have "HATE ME" in bold letters on my forehead. Well, I guess I should back up my everyone hates me story. You see, I got sick at work a little less than a week ago. I was ok all day untill I took some dieretics for that horrid time of the month. Soon after that I got nauseated and so dizzy I could bearly stand up. Everybody looked at me like I was a freak, because I was clinging to my cash register and lying my head on it, so I wouldn't fall over. Finally after watching my pathetic attempt to work my boss let me clock out and call someone to pick me up at work. I called every fucking person I could think of, of course nobody is home, so I call my mom at her work. She was like ok, I'll come and get ya, so I just kicked back on one of the booths, looking out the window for my mom. I kept looking at the clock and no one seemed to be coming. Of course there is an explanation for all of this, they hate me. Well, anyways, I ended up waiting an hour and thirty minutes for someone to get their lazy asses out there, to pick me up. Finally, my Grandma and her friend, Rene, whom is living with her at the moment did come, my shift was leaving anyways, so that was so fucking pointless. Too bad nobody told me it was going to take so long, I could've just clung onto my cash register a little longer and made some money, which I'm in dire need of right now. Whatever...Oh, well, I got yelled at, because I didn't say thank you, when actually I wanted to tell everyone off for making me wait forever. I got the old, your mom is a busy person, blah blah blah. She could've told me she'd take forever. A few days after this incidince my mom took work off to take care of this one lady who was sick, wow, she's a busy person alright, too busy for me. Well, back to the wonderful arguement. My mom showed up late at night to pick me up, I bitched at her, my grandma's friend, Rene bitched at me, called me an ungreatful brat, I started bawling, ran off, walked clear across the town, 3 miles?, untill I got home. I went to bed, woke up, wasn't sick anymore, went to work, and got called to see the store manager in the office. What'd I do wrong now? Well, someone seemed to have taken $300.00 from my work, and I was a prime suspect, because I so happened to be sick on the day all that fucking money was taken. What the fuck? I don't steal shit or lie, I work for what I've got. I have a few morals, almost unbelivable, huh? Sometimes I do fuck up every now and again, but I'm only human. I would never take all that damn money though! Whatever, so that's someone else to add to my list of me haters. I got a day off, then had to go back to work, and the store manager asked me if I read the note in the break room, umm, no...He says that I better read it during break, so I do. It says that whoever stole the money is going to be in deep shit if they find out who it is, they're investigating the situation, but all this could be avoided if the thief sticks the money in an envelope in the office drawer. Ok, that's nice to know, and I should care why? As soon as I get off break the manager goes to the office and looks in the drawer, why thank you for being so trusting of me Mr. Manager, asshole...He comes back to the front, where I am, I try to bring up some conversation, so "Why don't they get security cameras here Mr Manager?" He gets all pissy and says "Who says we don't have any cameras!!", well, so much for making conversation...Well I have my next day off, which was yesterday, yay, freedom, maybe I'll get a chance to recover from all this me hating. I'm all depressed when I wake up, it feels like my insides are being crush by an evil little compacter, fucking depression. I get around and look for someone to hang around with, smoke a cigarette, and end up at my friend Skye's house. Her mom tells me she's not there, figures, she's gone because she hates me, I know it. I'm still looking for a little human interaction, so I call up my friend Heather *aka Vixen*, her dad answeres, he doesn't like me and I already know that, but Heather wasn't home and he asked if I wanted to leave a message "Just tell her Ashley *me* called", and her very loving dad replies"Don't call here anymore" *click*. Well, I'm so hated now, so I start bawling my ass off. I call up Jayne, my friend that I made babysitting Mikayla, because she was taking care of her. She answers, yay, someone that doesn't hate me. I ask her if I can come over and she says yes, awww, so nice, I like Jayne, she's always there to make me feel better. We watch half of a movie about some people who stole the Constitution, I liked it, then we went to the chocolate factory and I got fudge, so i could eat some more fatning shit. All this unhealthy binging is making me break out and I hate it, I don't wana look like a pizza face *whines*, I gotta stop. Jayne and I do some Pilates, watched some tv, talked, then I went home. I didn't eat much, except a piece of fudge so I got a baked potatoe, put some zero calorie butter and rice cheese on it, mmm...I had some fruit gushers too *sigh*, I'm such a loser. Oh yeah, I'm 102.5 lbs now, I feel like a huge a fat fuck of course, so I guess the scale and my body obviously hate me too. I'm going to bed now, I gotta be up early, and I've already went pass my bed time. Told you everybody hates me. Nighty night...

I popped too many sleeping pills last night or yesterday morning most likely, finally passed out at 7:00AM. Around 2:00PM one of my managers called and left a message that I was supposed to work 1:00-9:00PM. I thought since I was late for work, I might as well sleep some more. I got around and called my work around 6:30PM, so it wouldn't be a "no call, no show" and asked if they needed me to come in even though I was supposed to work 1:00-9:00PM, so I obviously fucked that up. They said that they had enough people working the night shift, so I just sat at home stuffing my face, planning to sit inside to eat the rest of the stuff in the house, almost everything is gone now, just a few grapes. I've been binging for almost a week, hard core *sigh*. I hate myself... Around 7:30PM my night shift manager called me, because one of my other coworkers felt sick. It pissed me off, because I just ordered some fucking pizza, I wanted to eat my pizza, and I did. I planned on leaving around 8:00PM, getting there at 8:30PM, yeah right, as if I was going to live up to any of my expectations. I kept eating pizza and fudge untill around 8:15. My car isn't supposed to be used, cuz something or other is wrong with it, my mom said I'd overheat it, then it would be dead forevers and I'd be sad and stuck at home. I need my car :( ...I had to call my mom at her work. I asked the reseptionist for my mom, and she said my mom no longer worked there!! I was like WHAT THE FUCK? I just said ok, thanks, hung up, and just drove my car over to my mom's work. She obviously worked there, so yeah, that reseptionist needs an update. I traded her vehicles, her gas tank was almost empty, so I decided I would stop and get gas on the other side of town, which is closer to the turnpike/highway. Put in $11.00 in the tank, hurried up to the cashier to pay for the gas and get to work by 8:30PM. Well, I pulled the money out of my wallet, and "Oh shit, I only have $3.00." I poured all the cash out of my wallet, hoping I had $8:00 in change, ha ha, I don't think I could fit that much change in my wallet. I almost started bawling. I was freakon out "Im, so so sorry!!""I'll get the money from my house, I promise!!". I had to write down my license info, the decription of my mom's truck, and my name and number. I drove all the way back to the damn house to grab $10:00 out of my hidden stash. Went all the way back to the gas station, apoligised again, then raced down to the highway, knowing that I would not be at work by 8:30, it was already 8:37PM, but the least I could be there was 9:00PM, so I still had a shot if I drove between 80mph-97mph all the way there *the speed limit is 70mph, my work is 30 miles away*, trying to avoid all the slow people that just love to get in the way when you've got to get somewhere fast. I got to work at 9:00PM, wuppee!! Worked, went home, and here I am. I'm such a loser, a fat one, stupid, stupid, stupid...

Just one more day or I'm gonna get pissed at live journal. They have one more day or I'm gonna GET PISSED AND....well, I guess nothing...It sucks being one of the little people in the world. I'm gonna check my e-mail and see if they replied to my bitchy ramblings. By the way, I WILL REPLY TO EVERYONE, I'm so sorry, I'm so caught up in alot of shit. I just can't see why I can't handle what most people can. Why can't I hold a full time job? Why can't I get to 80 lbs without letting my body control me! I hate hunger, I hate muscle pains, I hate feeling week, but I hate being full even more, and I HAVE to stop eating like this. I gained all my weight back. I'm like 101 lbs or more. I tooke a couple laxies, but that isn't going to help any. I'll never amount to an anorexic. I'm just a bulimic, a starving, binging, caffiene, laxitive freak! I'll never be anorexic!! I'm just a fucking anorexic wanabe. I don't like being just bulimic, I want to be skin and bones, a fucking rag doll, I wana look the way I feel like on the inside, invisable.... But I'm here, and it's very obvious, because I am huge and who couldn't notice my fat ass? Sigh... P.S. I don't think it was livejournal's fault my journal was fucked up, it was just me, my stupidity... Well, it's not like I've read their e-mail back to me, or anyone elses in the past month. I'M SUCH A LOSER ASS SLACKER!!! It makes me so unhappy that I'm this way, but it's hard to be a normal human being that can actually set their mind to reading, then replying back to other's replies. I love replies, I'd go crazy if I was all alone on the world wide web, I just recieve the coments and it's like "Oh My God, someone actually cares" --****in shock****--and finally I come out of this shock, and I'm like, well, I think I should reply back or nobody would bother replying in the first place if I just ignored them, which would make me not only alone in my town/city *whatever u wana call it*, but alone on the world wide web, thus that would mean that I am alone on this planent we call Earth...Heh, that was so dumbass sounding, very dramatic...By the way, nobody has ever bitched at me for not replying "too quickly". I just feel bad, because I'm one of those people who sit staring obsessively into the computer screen *bloodshot eyes*, drooling on the keyboard with my tongue hanging out of my mouth, just waiting for my reply back from someone in my e-mail box. Wow, the P.S. is long than the damn paragraph, ausome. Nighty night, and pray that I make it to work on time, I hate and can't get up if I don't sleep enough. It say that it's like 3:30 on my journal, but actaully it's just taken my forever to submit, edit, submit this entry, so it's really 5 till 5:00AM...Once again *I'M A SLACKER* "The music is by The Used". I'm actually going to start putting the Artists names by the lyrics. Woohoo!

WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MY FUCKING JOURNAL. IT'S ALL FUCKED UP AND OUT OF ORDER. THAT SUCKS *SIGH* ....

I finally cleaned out my car *throws confette**horay*. I washed it, though it's still fucking dirty, cuz the friggin car wash wasn't powerful enough! I used like $5.00 for all that, cuz I'm, uh, slow. I got home, touched my shiny masterpiece, and it had a nice little trail of dirt right in the middle of my car. Not to mention I used high powered wax, then some tire cleaner from the car wash that didn't do jack shit to my tires, but make a big pink mess that I had to wash off, because I stupidly sprayed it all over my car. So what if it's a piece of shit car, can't it at least be a clean piece of shit!! It's got rust spots on each scratch on my paint and where someone in the McDonald's parking lot decided to conveniently back up into my car to leave a lovely, big ass, dent in my car. I left a razor blade on the trunk, and a razor blade shaped rust spot was on it. I almost died when I saw it. luckily I spit on it and rubbed it off with a leaf... I want to put a new paint job on it, but it would be 3 times more than what my car is worth. I'll just save that money for a down payment on something a little more reliable, so much for my plymouth reliant. I'm sure I'll be able to sale my car for a down payment, HA, I don't know if I could even give it away. The Kelly's Blue Book value is $325, ha ha, kick ass. My trunk still doesn't open and I know it leaks, because when it used to open, you coulda put a few fishies in it and watch em swim.. Pretty soon it's going to just rust out and I'll have a nice little hole under my car where the trunk used to be, woo hoo! It also leaks oil all the damn time.
As for eating, I've been doing pretty good lately, mostly cuz my stomach hurts so bad. I went from 104 lbs, to 99 lbs, so that makes me 5'6" tall, 99 lbs, with a BMI of 16, underweight. I don't feel underweight, don't really look it quite enough, so hopefully I can keep going down, knock on wood. I can't sleep very much, which is wierd, because I usually sleep too much and too late. I've been waking up in the AM's. I go to sleep around 4 AM, wake up around 10 AM, not enough for someone who normally sleeps 12 hours a day. Then again, what do I know about normal? I gotta go, my stomach is bitchin at me, so I guess I'll just have a little something, as long as my daily intake is 1000 cals or under. Bye byez...

I finally cleaned out my car *throws confette**horay*. I washed it, though it's still fucking dirty, cuz the friggin car wash wasn't powerful enough! I used like $5.00 for all that, cuz I'm, uh, slow. I got home, touched my shiny masterpiece, and it had a nice little trail of dirt right in the middle of my car. Not to mention I used high powered wax, then some tire cleaner from the car wash that didn't do jack shit to my tires, but make a big pink mess that I had to wash off, because I stupidly sprayed it all over my car. So what if it's a piece of shit car, can't it at least be a clean piece of shit!! It's got rust spots on each scratch on my paint and where someone in the McDonald's parking lot decided to conveniently back up into my car to leave a lovely, big ass, dent in my car. I left a razor blade on the trunk, and a razor blade shaped rust spot was on it. I almost died when I saw it. luckily I spit on it and rubbed it off with a leaf... I want to put a new paint job on it, but it would be 3 times more than what my car is worth. I'll just save that money for a down payment on something a little more reliable, so much for my plymouth reliant. I'm sure I'll be able to sale my car for a down payment, HA, I don't know if I could even give it away. The Kelly's Blue Book value is $325, ha ha, kick ass. My trunk still doesn't open and I know it leaks, because when it used to open, you coulda put a few fishies in it and watch em swim.. Pretty soon it's going to just rust out and I'll have a nice little hole under my car where the trunk used to be, woo hoo! It also leaks oil all the damn time.
As for eating, I've been doing pretty good lately, mostly cuz my stomach hurts so bad. I went from 104 lbs, to 99 lbs, so that makes me 5'6" tall, 99 lbs, with a BMI of 16, underweight. I don't feel underweight, don't really look it quite enough, so hopefully I can keep going down, knock on wood. I can't sleep very much, which is wierd, because I usually sleep too much and too late. I've been waking up in the AM's. I go to sleep around 4 AM, wake up around 10 AM, not enough for someone who normally sleeps 12 hours a day. Then again, what do I know about normal? I gotta go, my stomach is bitchin at me, so I guess I'll just have a little something, as long as my daily intake is 1000 cals or under. Bye byez...

The past few day I've been so happy acting a hyper as hell. It was nice having a ton of energy. I've been getting my adrenilen junkieness fufilled at my wonderful job at McDonald's. I run around all over the place, trying to do everything, I love it when buses come in. We have alot of new workers now, I'm used to us being short of workers, so I try and do everybody elses jobs including mine and it pisses them off. Now that night AKA early morning has rolled around I'm sad again, I don't know exactly why...Well I guess I do, but, sigh. Here's the beggining; I used to have a good friend on the net and I'm trying to find him. I want to know how he's doing. He pretty much got me interested in writing, reading, music, and poems or at least gave me the confidence to do any of that. I didn't like anything at the time, I was just a talking, breathing, depressed little girl, starving herself, and wondering around the web blankly searching for any way I could find to rid of myself. I'm somewhat different now. At least I know I won't purposefully *did I spell that right?* take my own life, that's if you don't call an eating disorder and self carelessness purposfully *how about this time?* trying to die. For some reason I don't think it is, although I know it is. Contridictions again...I guess I'm trying to kill a part of me, but it hasn't quite struck me yet, that in order to kill a part of me, I'll have to kill a whole person. *Psh..*, see I can write it on the computer, but it doesn't seem to relate to me, heh. I stopped drugs, so I guess that's what a therapist would call an improvement, but it seems like a failure almost to me. I probably woulda kept doing it untill I just broke down, but the fact that it was controlling me pissed me off, so I just quit...I do have hopes and dreams, I wana go to college to be a psyciatric nurse, I can relate with my patients :). Half of them will most likely be my family and friends anyways, he he. I miss my Vixen. I miss her alot. She's gonna move in with her long term boyfriend, she even said she'd get married in Halloween to him. I think I'm jealous, she's my friend *whines*, not his! That pisses me off. Well, at least she has a companion, someone who loves her, someone who can keep her warm at night, someone that is a living, breathing, human. Not a cat, horse, dog, or friends you can only talk to through a glass screen, never knowing them completely, unable to see or touch them, only type. If only her dad would let me see her again. In the middle of May she is graduating high school and moving approximatly 4 hrs away from me. I haven't seen her for a year, we've only seen eachother twice in two years. I have family, I have some friends which are mainly from my work which consumes what little time I have, but they just don't understand me as much as I wish they could. I'm alone inside. Another thing that is making me unhappy is that I am eating. I hate being hungry. I feel so empty inside, how come I have to eat fucking food. I'd rather be completely empty inside, than stuff myself with calories!! I lost some weight, around 4 lbs, making me 100 lbs, but I might have gained around a lb back from munching on anything that looks edible. If I don't control myself tomorrow, I'll probably just stuff myself with laxitives, which hurt my stomach so much!! I don't care too much though, as long as they don't start kicking in while I'm at work. That's why I've been avoiding my laxies lately, but fuck it. Well, I gotta go, I work tomorrow, it's 3:15 in the morning, and I'm sleepy, so good nights *hugs*...-Cookie

You are a maniac
killer.
It doesn't matter who they are and what they
have or haven't done. You still want to kill
them. And for a simple reason only; it's fun.
Seeing people in pain is like ecstasy. Maybe
you have some sort of mental problems or you
are this way because of previous deep scars,
only you know. But now you are sadistic and
maybe you only like to see a special group of
people be in pain (e.g. preps). However you are
not the most social person in the bunch and
people think you are weird. That bothers you
somewhat but atleast you can entertain yourself
with daydreaming about killing them. After all,
they have no idea what's coming.

Main weapon: Explosives and torture
equpiment
Quote: "Insanity: a perfect
rational adjustment to an insane world" -
R.D. Lang
Facial expression: Wicked smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm sleepy, I don't wana go to bed, bleh, stupid sleep, it's so time consuming. I finally paid my tickets, one day before they were due, ha ha! I wonder if that pissed them police people off any? I hope so, or maybe I shoulda just waited an hour before my court date, he he, that's be ausome, but I'm too lazy to get up in the morning and get a ticket paid before they get a warrant and arrest me. Heh, I'd call into work and be like, uuummmm, I'm kinda arrested right now, but uuummm, I'll be there as soon as possible? I'm only eating like a mild cow right now or maybe I should say mildly like a cow? I like mild cow better...My stomach has saved me for once from the horrors of eating everthing in the house. Oh yeah, about that X-ray. Well, I explained my symptoms to the radiology people before they even attempted to X-ray me, extreme nausea, bloating, no crapping *I'm sure everyone wanted to know tha,t but it sucks alot of ass*, and blah blah blah...I also got a blood test while I was there, I'm not pregnant, yay!! What's it been, 3 months? Oh well, sex is boring anyways, I've got better things to do. Ok, back on the X-ray topic...Well, they wanted me to drink this thick white cup of goupe, at least 16 ounces. Yeah right!, didn't I just get done saying I was naseated? They got all pissed at me because I couldn't down it, I wasn't be a deffiant little bitch, I wanted to drink it just as much as they wanted me to, maybe even more. I'd gag every time I tried to even sip it. Now I still have a hurt tummy and everything else and I'll just have to deal. Not to mention my doctor wants to check me into the hospital to find out if I either have hypoglucemia or focal seizures. I'm starting to sound like a hypochondriac. I just want to know what's wrong with me, I don't care if it gets fixed or not. No one is laying hands on my eating disorder, it's mine *GRR*. It seems like I can never be without some kind of problem, why can't life just be simple, for once, just a little bit... Fuck it all, I don't have time to do all these stupid test. Maybe when I drop don't to the ground, drooling like a friggin idiot. Well, I've already done that, he he, but I don't have seizures anymore. At least not the drop down and flop around like a dieing fish ones...My brain is bitching at me about sleep and my stomach says I NEED a popsicle, so I guess I'll have my 20 calorie popsicle and get some of that sleep stuff, nighty night AKA good morning...-Cookie

Long time no write...Well, right now I'm extremely pissed and depressed. I've gotten 2 tickets in my car in a months time. One for going 88 mph in a 65 mph and not wearing a seat belt, second for not "completely" stopping at a stop sign. At least I fucking yielded, I coulda just flew through it! Fortunately I was able to shove my seat belt behind my back, so it looked like I was wearing a seat belt...I don't have any seat belt buckles except one on the passenger side. Good thing that sonofabitch didn't notice. I don't think he heard the words to the song I was blasting after he went back to his car to write that fucking ass ticket. It was about killing people "Something, Tells Me, I Must Kill You" :). I wana die. I don't have any fucking money, I'm 17, I work at Mcdonald's, do I seem like I have an fucking money!?!?!? Oh, yeah, update, remember that big gash I cut into my arm? It finally healed. Now it's a big, hard, ugly raised piece of scar tissue, yummm...I haven't done any drugs since the middle or end of January. Which has helped my bank acount, but now I have to pay cash to fucking cops, because they want to be dick heads to ME. I swear, it's just me, they spot me, and find something wrong so they can take what little money I have. My parents owe me $1600, maybe they should fucking pay my ticket!! I'm also fat as fuck right now. I've been eating like the biggest cow on Earth, for reals. I'm never full, kinda like the energizer bunny, going and going and going, or the pringles comercial, once you pop, you just can't stop. All this bearly eating jack, to eating everything in the world has fucked up my stomach. It hurts all the time. Some time I'm supposed to go and get x-rays or my stomach, they said I have to drink dye, yuck!! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. I didn't feel this bad earlier, but the ticket just broke my spirit. I also need to buy new tires for my piece of shit car. All the little line things in my tires are showing, one went flat *good thing I picked up a spare from the junkyard*. I also need to take it to a mechanic to figure out what's wrong with it. It smells like something's leaking, my mom says one of my hoses are bad, I'm pretty sure my oil's leaking too, not to mention I can't open my trunk. It's an '89 Plymouth Reliant, it probably has a ton of other things wrong with it. She and my Dad went to school to be mechanics, too bad they're too fucking lazy to fix my car. I haven't been getting along with my mom, she pisses me off, stupid bitch! I guess I'll just have to pay to fix my car and tickets. So much for my hopes and dreams of owning a yellow, powerful, GTR, Mustang and moving to Germany, so I can go on the autobon *I don't know how to spell it, but that's close enough?* and not get a fucking speeding ticket!! ERRRRRRRRR....I'M PISSED, night night, luv ya'll *hugs*...-Cookie

No more drugs, at least not meth. I've finally realised all the people I've hurt, when I was only trying to hurt myself. I don't want the drugs to control me anymore. I am in control of myself and nothing else is going to take that away from me again. Boyfriend's gone, thank God. Sick little bastard cheated on me with his baby's momma. I'll write the note I'm about to send him below. A few days ago one of my great? cusin's on my grandma's side died in a car wreck. The day after my great uncle blew his brains out. That wasn't the first time that one of my grandpa's brothers did that. To make things worse, the beginning of next month will be exactly a year since my grandpa died. These past two or three years have been a living hell for my grandma, the rest of my family, and myself. I'm 101m lbs now, 5'6" tall and I'm extremely dissapointed in myself. I want to cut my thighs off, along with my stomach and ass. I am eating too much!! Grrr...I totally need some extreme encouragement, or at least a chance to throw away all my favorite foods Spring will be coming pretty soon, which will kinda suck, because I've been cutting like hell on my arms and everyone is gonna see my lovely scars. It's gonna suck even more, because of that huge chunk that I cut out of my arm. It hasn't all the way healed yet, but I can tell that I'm gonna have a huge pink scar on my arm. Work, oh my God, I have to wear short sleeves, I've been using band-aids for now, but I can't just keep putting them on forever *sigh*. I have so many things I need to do. I wish I could do more, but it's hard. I'd be so happy if I could just evolve into 10 different boddies, so I can complete more things, lol. Then my life would be somewhat better. I have been looking into the bracelets a little though, but don't get too excited, because I'm still unsure to if I will be able to acomplish that. Geez, why do I keep using big words, bleh. I get pissed if I use small words, then I get pissed if I use big words!! Where's the happy medium?!?! Lol, ignore that. Hmmm...Maybe may brain is starting to work. Oh shit, that means I'm eating too much, he he. Speeking of my brain... My legs and arms hurt soooo bad. I tire easily. I've started having seizures like a year ago. I can bearly type or do much of anything requiring hand movements, because my hands shake so bad. I can't remember shit. My short term memory is, um, gone. I forget how to friggin spell and I used to know a ton of big words. I can't even write poems good anymore. What really scared me happend about a week ago. I was at work, then my hands were shaking badly, I coudn't remember what I was doing when I almost
begun the task, I couldn't pay attention to the customers *I'm a cashier*. I could see the customer's mouth moving, but I couldn't hear any words untill I strained to hear them, but then I forgot how to ring there things up, searching all over my computer screen for an item that a customer requested. I walked, in an odd, deffinitely no where near a strate line. My boss thought I was high again, but
for once I wasn't. I've actually been sober for 3 to 4 weeks and I plan on staying that way. I was just in a total fog. When I stand up or sit down, my heart beats madly. Not to mention I can't stand up
too fast or I will almost black out. My words get mixed up as well, people luckily can understand me although I studder or whatever it is. I wanted to be a smart, passionate, succesful, skinny bitch. I'm
scared that I won't be able to think again, that I will slowly become retarded. I can't live without my eating disorder!! It's a part of me, not to mention the only thing I like about me. I'd rather die than not have my eating disorder, but I also would rather die if I'm slowly becoming a retard. I think I'm gonna die...My BMI is around 16, not very good for a wana be anorexic, fuck EDNOS!! I am feeling somewhat better now though. My head seems to be a little bit clearer and I'm not as shaky. I still have crappy memory though. I wonder if the cyst my doctor said I had on my brain is actually a tumor. I'm kinda scared. I gotta head off to sleep now, or I'll never get up in the morning for work !!

I need drugs, I need speed. I'm addicted. I have to quit. Like 3 days ago my boyfriend was doing a deal. He said I could not have any of the product. I argued, got pissed off, begged him to get someone else to drive him, because I just can't be around speed without doing it. He went inside to do the deal, while I sat in my car. I was feining like hell. I couldn't stop wanting the drug. I wanted it so bad, I needed it! I was frustrated, I had to do something to get the thought out of my head. I thought, hurting myself, that'd preocupy me for awhile. My blood always keeps my busy. I was busy alright! I took the razor out that I keep in my wallet, yes it's sad when you have to carry around a razor in your wallet, he he. I cut two tiny scratches into my wrist. The were so small they bearly even bled at all. I was so dissapointed with myself for being such a pussy, so I slashed two nice sized cuts into my arm, which bled pretty good and made quite a mess. Still I thought I could do better. I dug a little deeper this time, because of my exteme rage at myself for not going deep enough and not being able to control my mind from thinking of the drug. When I cut this time, it cut right next two another cut. The two cuts were now one big v shaped crevice on my arm. Instantly a gush of blood came pouring out of my arm. My exact words were "Oh Shit". At first I thought, Oh my god I'm gonna bleed to death. Luckily I was wearing black pants, because they were soaked with blood. I started to worry, not because I cut too deep, but because I was afraid of getting my car dirty. I kept pressing my wrist onto my pants, trying to keep the blood from running everywhere. My boyfriend was taking for fucking ever in the dealers house. I got pissed, held my arm tight, knocked on the door, and walked into the house. He took his precious time, of course not knowing I was bleeding all over in my black jacket. Finally he decided to go, I showed him my arm, he looked kinda shocked, but not really. I said we need to pick up some gauze somewhere, and let him drive. We headed off and he stopped at a bar. What the hell? A bar!! How the hell did he think that I could find something to get my wound to stop bleeding there? He explained that this was the only place open...Um, well Wal-Mart is open 24/7, duh. He went in while I sat in the car waiting for him to come out with something for my arm. After a while of waiting for him to come out of the damn bar, I decided fuck it, and went inside holding my arm in my jacket again. Well there he was just chatting away with one of his bar buddies. Aww...how sweet of him not to show any concern. I staired at him with confusion as he once again took his precious time. I grabbed a ton of napkins from the bar and just stood there stairing at him untill he decided to go. Blah Blah Blah...We went to his friends house, so he could seek out some drugs. They bandaged my wound for me and my bleeding slowed some. I was glad someone had some remorse for me. They even gave me a flimsy piece of a rubber cord to make a turniqet. I took my boyfriend home, we said bye, then i drove home soaked in blood. Thank god I was wearing mostly black, except my white long sleeve shirt which I sprayed with stain remover and through it in the dirty clothes basket. The next day I called one of my older friends asked her for for gauze, and came over. She was freakin out, trying not to faint, but she was nice enough to put on some antibacterial gel, give me some gauze pads and even wrap my arm in gauze. She's so nice to me. I don't know what I'd do without her. Anyways, that was an interest day...