nightcookie

Uh, I looked through some old post of mine and wow I was fucked up, lol

Applied for a job not sonic related and to ESU. Hope I make it but if not then FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I hate fast food!!

Stupid asshole people should be stabbed and die.

Holy shit! Time has gone by so fast. Im old now, 22. I got a dui so my life sucks. Uh, dont drink and drive no matter how awsome it is cuz when you get caught its over $1000 down the drain. I mean you can if you want but fuck that Im not getting my liscense taken away again and geting stuck with probationy shit. I wasnt even swerving. Cops are assholes. Well Im still not normal and never will be. I dumped my old boyfriend. He was such a prick. He beat me, accused me of cheating though i never did. It was a shity situation. I dont no why i stayed. I guess I didnt think anyone else wanted me so I stayed with him. It sucks being alone as much as it sucks being beat i guess. I got a new boyfriend. Been with him for 7 months. I love him. Hes a keeper. Its kinda odd though cuz hes only 19. Im a cradle robber lol. Eh, there more trainable, them yougns, right? Well my meth days were over 4 years ago. Bad thing, very not good. Meth will make a person literaly lose there mind. Been there, done that, highly dont recomend it. Then came the pot head days and then well, they stayed lol.  
 I need to go to school. Ive got so lazy and used to doing the same shit every day that it just scares the shit out of me just thinking of college. If I dont I will be stuck being a fucking sonic carhop, kissing ass for tips. Tip your car hops! We have to get out in the freeing ass cold and slip on ice then bust or asses. That happend to me. Everyone laughed. Such assholes. Not that summer is any better. My poor tiny titties will sweat so much. Ive sweated in place i didnt no i had being a car hop. Fuck you guys who ask carhops to come in and out for sauces and shit like that. If you make me do the extra work then you better at least give me a dollar or a blow job. 
 Uh, well, anyways thats about how it is without goig into details and I dont feel like typing for-fucking-ever.

So like it's been jus a little tinnie while since I um posted anything. I've been shooting up and getting cracked and methed out and sucking dick for more crack money, heh, jus kiddin. Well My retarded ass boy friend is in jail AGAIN, which sucks ass. I'm really sad and lonely so I thought I would post a lil sumthing. in 32 days I'll be 21 and you bet I wil be geting trashed. By the way my boyfriend had 7 warrants, ouch huh...He's in there for at least 3 months. He was in the paper for most wanted! That's kinda cool, but I'm still sad. Guess it's one of those stupid bitter sweet moments. By the way I took a college class for CNA, had a seizure, had to give a shit ton of blood work and sleep, so they let me in the next summester. I've graduated and am an official Certified Nurses Aid! I'm gonna work at sonic for a month, then I'm goin out in the world to make some of that stuff called money *whatever that is?*.  Well my attention span is going away so I'm gona get. You guyz have FUN. I'll be masturbating while eating peanut butter in the mean time, um just kiddin, or am I?

 Heh, it's me bitches! Ya never thought you would here from me again huh? Well it's me and I am back for now. No I wasn't just sent back from a mental institution, shoulda been but not. I'm just chillin in my shity little town. Well I'm on a diversion now for smokin da reefer, but otherwise I'm alive! My boyfriend was driving my car, I left my weed and pipe in my car, cops found it, and I had a big fat ticket shoved in my face with a court date and all! My car is not a 1989 Plymouth Reliant anymore! I've a a 2002 Z24 Chevy Cavalier! Now I know what your thinkin, "ugh, a cavalier, now that's cool!" with sarcasum, but mine is really cool! It's got a 2.4 liter engine instead of a 2.2 like the others. It's got the kick ass Z24 body style, it's black, and best of all it's got a sunroof! So far I've backed up into a couple other cars twice, first time I got away with it, but the second time I hit another 2002 cavalier and got the cops called on me, which sucked! My dog jumped on my car, scratched it, and I had a little mishap with a barbwhire fence, but it's bairly noticable, then there's a scratch that just came to my door from nowhere and decided to live there. I had a crack in the dash when I got it, but I slamed the door when I was pissed off one day and that added another. Both doors have cracks in them where the window meets the bottom part of the door, not that noticable! An oxygen censor went out, my tires went bald as fuck, my passenger window doesn't work, my cd player in the car and the 10 disc one in my trunk only work on very little ocassions and my brakes went out, all in a year, but all in all it's a good car...Don't buy a cavalier, save yourself while you still have a chance! It's still a sweet lookin car though!
 Ritalin makes me sick now, so I go for coke now, but alcohol is my friend as well. I just got my diversion, so I think I'm gona be a little less fucked up on drugs for a year, might even just stick to drinkin, which really fuckin sucks, because I smoked pot every night for around a year. A few brain cells are gone, but it's all good. I wana smoke a huge blunt, a couple bowls, and maybe a few joints right about now! The guy I was talkin about in my previous post is now my boyfriend for 8 months now, who woulda know? I love him, he's the best thing ever to me. I hope he never leaves me, I'd go crazier than I already am! He's graduating from high school now, which is cool, because he's gona get a job, and we can move into an apartment, YAY! He doesn't have a car though, so that's a big problem! I hope we can find one for him or we'll never move out! I have a myspace, so if you get bored, it's a little more updated that this here journal, here's the link http://www.myspace.com/nightcookie, it's pretty cool! Well I gota go now, so see ya later I hope... 

Well it's been at least two months since I've updated this journal, which is for me, so I guess I'll get some shit out, because I can. After I left off, I needed some drugs, oh yeah! Well I remembered someone who used to hook me up when I was around 16 yrs old. We had a deal, as long as I let him drive my car, he's like 1 to 2 yrs younger than me, then he would would agree to fork over the pills. His doctor, a dumb doctor at that, would give him Ritalin, because he had adhd, which is just another illness doctors overdiagnose to several people who don't even have this so-called adhd, but whatever keeps the pills comin. He would never take them and would end up spitting them out, so hell, no use wasting them, he got what he wanted, I got what I wanted. Ritalin is the most wonderful thing ever invented. I suppose it does help a few people with their emotional problems, but to me it's just kiddy cocaine, I even prefer it over coke any day. I hadn't talked to him forever, so I decided that I would just show up one day on his door step, with a friend of course, just in case I need back up. He was never there, so I persisted on coming over and hoping he would show up. His sister was the only one, besides their parents, that was there to talk to. She's dating this dude around 23 yrs, she's 18, I guess that's not a big difference, but they always fight. One day I even helped her move out from his place, but at the time he was unemployed and living with her parents. One day I show up and she is supposively pregnant, which wasn't true, she's over there drinking some whine and I am stuned by how stupid she is to be drinking at this time, you know, while she is pregnant. Her and her boyfriend respond, giving me some bullshit about whine being made from grapes, it doesn't count. Whatever, stupid people, why doesn't she just drink grape juice then? After what seemed like forever, her brother finally showed up, he had been at some kind of boys home for I think 6 months, I guess for skipping school and alot of other shit. They had him on Adderall, which is just as great as Ritalin, I'm not picky, which he was so sweet to give me a couple, nevermind the fact that I took a few more when he wasn't looking. I parked at some school with my friend, she was with me at the time, next to these minature ponies, stuck the pills in my pill crusher, then scraped out, and cut the wonderful white powder into lines. We snorted it together and I felt 100% better. I love those pills. I kept coming back to his house with her, soon enough it was just me coming to his house, and I would beg for pills. I guess he enjoyed my sheer presence and just kept giving them to me. He lives in the country so he tends to get a little lonely. Pretty soon I had him snorting them with me, which he seemed to like alot better than taking them orally. I'd spend the night with him and we'd stay up untill dawn just snorting pills, doing lots of stupid shit and play fighting, I'd be the first to fall asleep though. We slept in the same bed and didn't even touch eachother, which is astounding to me. He's my buddy now, we're both lonely, he has nothing better to do, nor do I, so we just hang out. He hasn't had any pills for maybe a month now and I've been fiening for so long. It's driving me crazy. Meanwhile I've done pot, which makes me dumb and confused, speed, which now just makes me sick, and coke, which is kinda fun, because the numbing part, but makes me kinda bitchy, shaky, sick or all of the above. I did coke tonight, which didn't agree with me too well, but I'll use the rest tomorrow, because it's my only hope right now. That's only part of what's going on, just the drug part, it's probably the biggest piece of my life right now though. I need to get to sleep though, so nighty night.

I'm getting so fed up *literally* with myself! Why can't I stop eating? Where is my fucking willpower? I'm nothing. No, I was wrong, I am something, I'm a fucking loser! I'm so depressed, so very depressed. It's just in time that I will take my razor blade and slash another clean cut into my flesh, watching my blood drip in a satisfied, yet numb stare. The pain is so bad. I was doing so well, I don't know what happened. Maybe, just maybe, I am cracking up. I told my boss that I couldn't handle working full time, I told him that it would make me "ill healthed". He didn't listen, not untill it is too late, and here I am, cracking up, just what I was trying to prevent by simply asking for 1 more day off out of the week. This sucks. Why can't people just listen to me. Oh yeah, I look fine, I talk fine, I'm not too unintelligent, pretty close to the norm of intelligence I guess? I do have my flaws that usually just are overlooked as irresponsibilty, I'm sure some of it could be prevented if I took better care of myself though. I can't sleep at night, which makes me drowsy and dull in the day, I space out, not hearing anything around me, I forget ALOT!, I get week if I don't sleep and eat enough or I'm eating too mcuh, and I don't sleep and eat enough or eat too much if I am stressed, stress leads to depression, then here I am with all these fucked up things going on, but nobody sees that it's worse than what they can observe.
Enough about misery for now. I went to work, I didn't want to go at all, was freaking out, but it wasn't so bad once I'd been there for awhile, like in the middle of my shift. I joked around with my work buddies, we're a bunch of weirdos, talking about things you don't wana hear, especially in a family oreinted restaraunt. After work I was alone, as usual. Came home and saw my dad playing on the computer, as usual, except he was at home all day due to it being his day off. My dad isn't the best of company, not one to express yourself to anyways, so I decided to take a drive. Drove all over town, smoking like a chimney, went to the store, explored, drove around some more. I decided to go toward Bird bridge, since it's kinda exciting in an odd way. What makes Bird bridge so exciting, is that there was a murder there. Supposively, a preacher was cheating on his wife with the church secretary and cut the breaks on his wife's car. While going to work, his wife drove near the sharp turn that leads right to the bridge. She pressed the brake on the car, nothing happened, and without brakes, you're in deep shit. Inside her car, she tumbled into the darkness of the river, and found dead of course. That's all I really know about it, except the preacher is in jail now and then the bitch he was cheating with is in jail also, for shooting her husband. Now there is a coulple little cement slabs. I don't know if you could quite call them study though...In the daytime you can stumble down the inbankment where there's grafettie underneath the bridge supporting satanic rituals, "666" is one of them, then the pentagram, satans' face and so much more. I've heard that animal sacrafices were performed there, which seems very well possible. It's a wonder why I get bad vibes there, which I'm so drawn too. I didn't make it out to the bridge, because all the rain we've had has flooded the path. I also ended up driving on this old, old highway, modle t's used to drive on. It's rather interesting thinking of all the history there is on that narrow, cracked cement road. I then went to taco bell and pigged out. The end, I gotta sleep now.

The song: Breathe *2 AM*, Artist: Anna Nalick
2Am and I'm still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

The Pain is Killing Me                                   

How about a crash,                                        

Watch my fat head smash,                            

Maybe an overdose,                                       

Slip away as I'm comotose,                            

Suffication will do,                                          

See my face turn blue,                                    

What about a train,                                         

There's my guts and brain,                             

I'll make a noose,

And have my head hang loose,

I'll cut my wrist if you insist,

Something wants me to die,

I don't know why,

But know one's to blame,

For this awful pain.

 

 

FUCKING DAMNIT, THIS IS ALL I GOT UP RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THE COMPUTER KEEPS SCREWING ME OVER. ALL THAT WRITING JUST DISAPPEARED, GREAT.

Song is: Heartshaped Box, By: Nirvana

 

 

 

You May Be a Bit Dependent ...

You're more than a little preoccupied with being abandoned. You need a lot of support in your life, at all times. It's difficult for you to survive on your own... And you don't reallly think you ever could.

You Are 60% Normal (Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

I'll start with the good. I got my hair dyed *again* a few days ago. It's kind of a blondish-white color, then the underneath part of my hair is black. It looks pretty cool. At least something of mine looks bearable. It makes me look pale a little bit, but I am pale, so I guess that's ok. It offsets my black XXL shirts and my saggy jeans, which I have to wear when I'm 5'6", 102 lbs, so I can cover all my fucking flab. I'm always going to be a walking piece of flab, so that means it's always gonna be XXL I suppose. I've been waking up in the morning, that's a pluss, right? Only because I've been taking my meds at night. My antidepressents are kind of a stimulant, by the time they kick in, it's morning, so yay. It's morning right now and that sucks, I don't wana sleep. Sleep is such a waste of time. Oh, yeah, and I wrote some poems. Yep, that's the good part, now for the usual, the bad. Lately I've been soooo... depressed lately, stressed, even hysterical. I just have to pull through it though. I need to stop ditching my job to go off to a looney bin or I won't have a job. It's so hard, so fucking HARD! Maybe I should stick my ass back into therapy. I'm so cracking up. I have the attention span of a rock. Not to mention I locked my keys in my car AGAIN!! It happens on a monthly, sometimes biweekly basis now, along with forgetting my work uniform, makeup, heh, and my work. Is there any way to stop using I's? I hate using I too much now! Oh, and me shall not forget *Ha, there was no I in that sentence* that the little girl I used to babysit, remember her, well she totally just shoved shit into my face. She's the one that got sexually abused by her mother, then got put back with her mother, because the lovely Kansas government not giving a fucking shit about anything/anyone exept their fucking money. Now that she is 8 years old, I found out how to contact her after she was shipped off to her mother *sexual abuser*, I loved her, gave her someone to talk to, bought her stuff, took her places. I've spent a total of three years of my pathetic life on that brat! She's moving this Friday, to Tennessee, hell, maybe even Colorado, Fucking Africa, Asia, Europe, Spain for all I fucking know, since she never makes up her little mind of hers'. Her mother is trying to mislead everyone by making her little pet lie about everything. Why shouldn't the kid lie? Telling the truth only ended up in tragedy, thank you judge, SRS, and all those assholes who committed that horrible act of betrayl. Well, when I called to ask if we could hang out, she said she's moving, she's busy this week and will never see me again. Oh, how nice *my heart's just been yanked out of my chest, while dirt is being kicked in my face*. I say "FINE, DON'T HANG OUT WITH ME THEN". She's like alright, bye. That hurt, 3 years of hope flushed down the drain in 1 minute flat, woo hoo.. And this crappy day ended with me stretch out on the truck of my car, crying because I locked my keys in my car in front of her aunts' house. Her aunt took me out for ice cream with her grandson, which made me feel better. After she dropped me off at home I ended up binging, so everything just plain sucked today. I'm going to put up some of my crappy poems, because I can, on my next entry, since this isa pretty long entry. By the way, life sucks.*hugs*

Music is outshined: by soundgarden

You Are 14 Years Old

14 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Your Deadly Sins

Wrath: 60%

Gluttony: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Greed: 20%

Envy: 0%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 23%

You will die in prison, in a puddle of your own blood.

Your Birthdate: September 18

Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity. There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself. You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator. You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous; a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas. Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed. There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others. Oddly enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give.

Holy Crap, That One Is True, The B-Day one